I have been hearing of late that one of the main reasons Randy Haggar… that’s capitan Randy, was catapulted to the rank of capitan with light year speed is due to his prowess behind the lens of a camera. Randy, if you will all remember was a whippersnapper Sgt. when the first tailhook party by the Methuen Police Department took place down at Shadi’s. Randy clicked his way to capitan. So, Santa thinks that Randy deserves a brand new shiny camera with an extra fine close up lens, so he can really get in on the subject, perhaps there is a new career for him after the police department.

With this big bag of goodies Santa left a small envelope taped to the top. I hate to tell you this but, Billy Manzi, it was for you. Santa was going to give you a bridge, and was stunned when I had to tell him you already had one! He said he was going to rethink his gift to you!

Oh, look! Here’s a piece of string taped to this card. It reads: To Steve Zanni, the string is to tie around your finger to remind you, you have something to do on a specific date.

To the parents and children of Methuen, Santa promises more SWAT Team practice attacks.

Oh, WOW! Here is a box full of little mustaches and goatees, there must be enough here for the entire police force. Santa must want everybody to look like the chief. Perhaps it is a ploy, when the feds come to collect the bad boyz. If everyone is wearing a mustache and goatee they won’t be able to grab him!

Another one for the police department! Oh look, a box of shoes with no heels on them!

This is a heavy bag… let me turn it around to I can read it… IT’S KITTY LITTER, says it is for Joe Salvo so he can keep his… I mean our sandbox clean!

Here’s another certificate. It has the initials TK on it. I guess Santa has given up on the diploma for him. Congrats TK! Keep bringing home those awards!

Oh look, it is a bunch of grants. Hold on, I am still looking for the name. WOW! It is grants for cell phone for a whole family, grants to renovate a public official’s house, grants to use homeland security money to stake out your girlfriends ex-husband’s house in Salem, NH. I still cannot find a name, perhaps the tag has slipped off and is at the bottom of the bag, I’ll keep an eye out.

What’s this? A lie detector? The name reads Joe Solomon. Hummmmm.

The ever-present box of hair that looks like rug, and no name as usual.

Box of indictments!

Another box, this one with arraignments! Wonder who these are for?

Here’s a beautifully wrapped box, let me open it and see what’s in here. OHHH, it’s full of “AH, HUHs”, for Phil Lahey. Be careful Phil they are fattening!

I don’t see anything for Broadhurst in here, I’ll bet he was hoping for another public parking lot he could make his own.

Oh, here’s one, for Bob Kelley, it’s a job as Register of Deeds. I’ll have to tell Santa, he already got that. I am sure Santa wishes you Good Luck Atty. Kelley!

Stars & squiggly pieces of gold. Hey, wait! Is this piece shaped like an eagle? I can’t tell. Is that a turkey? I know these must be for Randy’s already gold gilded hat. He is going to have trouble holding his head up.

It’s a box of overtime for the police department. Santa I am going to return this, these boyz don’t need it. Wait until you see the list of how much some of them already made. It almost appears that they were working 24/7!

This is a heavy package. Oh, look! It is a box of community spirit. Santa’s has heard it has been taken away lately, so he wants to replenish it.

Here’s a box that’s fairly light. Oh, how appropriate it is! A window darkening kit for Joe Solomon, so he can really black out the windows of the cruisers, marked and unmarked, so we won’t even be sure they are driven by humans. They could be remote controlled. And we know how those blacked out windows make for a warmer, fuzzier, friendly feeling with the public!

Santa’s thinks Bob Andrew had a wonderful idea for the fire extinguishers and difibrillators, in City Hall and other buildings. Billy won’t be getting his gift until he comes through for the people. Hey Billy, send Matty K. out to purchase the equipment.

Wow, this looks small but when you get the whole thing out of the bag, it springs into a real big piece. It is one of those big rubber fingers for Ken Willett. It reads: “For Patriot Fans” and can also be used at the Methuen City Council to emphasize your point! Like, Ellen Bahan shut up! Shut that microphone off!

This looks like a travel kit, it has toothpicks, brush and comb, breath mints, pins, shoe polish, laces, hair spray, Lysol (don’t mix them up Matty.) Wait. I am having trouble reading it… “To ensure your job.” OHHHHHH, it is for Matty K! So, he can make sure Billy looks his best!

Here’s one that is plain and simple, it is for Kathleen Corey Rahmey’s hubbie. It is a one-way ticket back to his people, whoever and wherever they are, because we dam well know it is not here is METHUEN, MASSACHUSETTS, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Santa heard him make it very clear the other night, it is not here!

Oh, WOW! A gift that keeps on giving. Figures! It is from the State. It’s for Matty K. a set of brand new tires, compliments of Tewksbury State Hospital. Well, actually they are state-funded, so Methuenites, you can also take credit for this lovely gift.

Here’s one for Gerry Duschene, looks like a job for him in Tewksbury. Could be a hard job, Gerry, but then again, Santa says knowing you.

Wow! This one is huge! Let me pull them out of the bag. It is a huge set of hands, like clappers, the label reads Councilor Debbie Quinn, so the next time she claps in glee at a council meeting, everybody will be able to see her. Ken Willett is going to be jealous, Debbie, your hands are bigger that his finger.

This is just a picture of one, but Santa, you are one thoughtful guy! The gift tag reads Billy “The Bridge” Manzi, and it is a glass revolving entry way to connect to the back door of the liquor store, to the edge of the bridge. How convenient! Santa says the great part about this is that it is fully funded by the taxpayers! Wow again!

Santa has some singing lessons, no label; I wonder who they are for… Pollard? Jajuga? Wow, this could be anybody!

This looks like another piece of fur, or is that hair? No, it is fur and looks like a jaguar fur suit; it’s gold so its got to be faux, and the label reads Joey Salvo. Santa says for a jag in the jag. How cute he will match his gold jaguar, you won’t be able to tell where the car ends and Joey begins.

Here’s one to Ronnie Ford. It says, “Thank you for all your years of service to the City of Methuen, be it in the police department, city council, or now radio host extraordinaire. Santa wishes you health, wealth, longevity and happiness. Good for you, Ronnie!”

Oh, this one has blown open and is all over the floor. It’s all corks and stoppers. The tag reads, “To Joe Leone and Kathleen Cory Rahmey, so they can plug those pesky cellar drains, so all that murky water will not soil our town. AHHHH, too late!”

Here’s one for Mr. Nick. It is a personal note from Santa himself, it reads in brief, “I am so sorry you were screwed. You were the best. Don’t worry, things have a way of working out; Santa is going to take special care of you!”

Wow, here’s another one for Joey Salvo! It’s huge! How nice a huge sandbox that tells Joey he must share it with ALL THE PEOPLE! You know Santa, I do not think he is going to follow your instructions; perhaps you need to have the FEDS deliver your instructions!

Hey, Bev Ferrante, handmaiden extrodinaire to ex-queen shar, has left the lovely confines of pork town. Haverhill, look out! Santa is going to give her a street map so she can continue to promote Methuen’s Festival of Thieves… I mean, Trees in Haverhill.

What’s this? Oh, it is a picture of Napoleon. I wonder whom it is for?

To Moe Lariviere; here, let me read it, it says he will be soon getting his day in court. It will be a good day!

Here’s a calendar, and surprise, surprise! It has Noel Gordon’s name penciled in to be the lead off hitter… I mean, speaker, at still more events… 211’s, racist rallies, lynches, hangings, mob riots, etc.

Here’s a letter from Santa, congratulations to Larry Giordano on his life long Karate accomplishments! And let me extend my congratulations, too.

This one reads Billy and Matty K. It is a list of all the little bridges around the area that Billy can get his picture taken on… he seems to be doing this. Santa decided to make it easier for Matty K. to navigate.

Here’s a little tiny package, the label is actually larger than the package. It reads to Councilor Debbie Quinn, it is a miracle ear. Santa wants to make sure the next time the Globe calls the councilor she does not have to lie to the reporter. Miracle ear will help her not miss a boo or a hiss!

Here’s a giant can of Thank You, who can this be for? Let me turn it around so I can see, it says to Dalia and Alberto. Let me peak inside. Inside it says, “Thank you for being you, thank you for putting yourself out there, thank you for being for the people. Thank you for taking the hits, and that’s not computer hits, these are hard hits. Thank you for the voice you allow the people, without you, the sound of silence is deafening and it hurts.”

In closing Santa wishes each and every person in the City of Methuen a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I would like to say thank to all the public servants that go to work and earn their pay, the city moves forward because of you and the dedication you give.

Thank you. I wish you my loyal readers and all the residents of Methuen a joyous happy wonderful, magical Christmas and may you get everything you want in the new year. God Bless you!

God Bless America!